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fixation_for_razors
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Name: Tony
Location: , Oklahoma, United States
Birthday: 6/9/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: about a million things
Expertise: not so much of anything
Occupation: Customer service/support
Industry: Hospitality
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  epic1605
Member Since:
11/27/2003
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| remember the one that got away destroyeverything | | |
| wrap your arms around me its fucking freezing.....moments like these just don't come and go.
So I can't help it anymore I've got demons in my mind and gremlins in my veins.A funeral does not make things any easier. Now there are gaps in time where I forget who I am and what I'm doing. Faces flashing in front of me. Memories are at full speed ahead coming and going so fast that it makes my stomach hurt. I'm becoming something else now. Why this fear of commitment is it just a guy thing or what. I look into the eyes of so many and come back to the same names everytime. I haven't worried about anyone for the longest time. All of a sudden I'm here wanting other things in my life to change. Making a way for myself on other aspects. I hate the feeling that things are set in stone for me and I dunno "choked" maybe? I don't fucking know really. I've been doing nothing,but I look good as fuck doing it. I miss so many people in my life at this point, it hurts me on a daily basis. Today was good I got to see an old friend play with his kids and just chill. It was very calming expierence.
I've got a very hollow spot in me and I just want to make it go away.
God if your blogin .....HELP!!
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| From time to time I seem to have a sudden spark in me that sets off a chain reaction of feelings,actions, and thoughts. Which all usually end up with me either sitting alone quietly examining myself from top to bottom,.....or sitting in a bar with my manager examining everyone else from top to bottom...mainly the women folk. Either way things are a bit tougher when there is a scratch to itch and you refuse to use your arms.....just bare with me. For years now I've been nothing short of a teenager hellbent on self destruction. Fast foward a few years still hellbent on it and at this time a glutton for punishment, with a craving of who I use to be a few years back . With all these demons sitting at the dinner table waiting to see what I'll feed them,how the hell do I cope with that. My taste for the debauchery growes with every pass,with every smell,touch,glance. There is a internal war going on within me and its breaking into my head as of late I haven't slept in three days and I haven't drank in 2 haven't even really talked in over a week ...well more than I need to anyways.
I miss when I was 16-18 things were easier, especially girls,and booze
I think I could deal with life easily with just booze an quiet room and a steady income.
I need something to come into my life guns a blazing to wake me up from this zombie hell.
My stomach hurts....I haven't eatin in two days,food bores,disgust me.
..........send a little anarchy my way
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| at the end of the day I've put so many demons to rest. I've felt them in my throat clawing to get out. In my stomach when I'm alone and quiet begging for so much more than I could ever offer. I'd drown them night after night hoping to flush them away in a river of things I've long forgotten or don't want to talk about. All of them I've put to rest but one. Its ever growing, changing and it seems to be around almost all the time at every chance it gets. I'm still not strong enough to beat this one. I've locked myself away for the most part in a small room in norman, with nothing but writing material,guitars,intstrumentals(yea I've started writing raps and writing beats),and bottles of whiskey and rum. Alchoholism is my least worry at this point. I've finally took steps to get ahold of that and the constant drug use is out the window. Somedays I wake up not wanting to face the day sober as I should be. Somedays I much rather start a binge and be comfortable in my skin than not comfortable at all and frustrated with the things I can't help because I'm too hard headed to accept them. I don't know what the meaning of friends means anymore. At the first chance that I say that I have a group of good ones something happens and I'm alone again. I'm basically alone in a city that I don't know anyone. I've never felt so alone and lost in my life. I thought I knew what it was to be a loner pfft now I know more than ever. I don't expect you to visit, I don't expect you to call, and I don't expect your meaningful words to fall upon these ears. Your just drunk. I don't know if you'll make it past the weekend. I'm rambling cause I don't have anyone to talk to I guess I'll go write in my journal. | | |
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